


One Girl and Two Boys

by Redgillan



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, If You Squint - Freeform, Major character death - Freeform, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV Second Person, Smut, said character coming back from the dead
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2018-07-14
Packaged: 2018-08-18 17:43:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8170342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redgillan/pseuds/Redgillan
Summary: /!\ IM REWRITING THIS AND HOPEFULLY FINISH IT THIS SUMMER (2018) /!\Reader is dating Steve until he gets hit during a mission. Slowly, Reader and Bucky will get to know each other better and transform their friendship into something else.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys will like this one. There will be so much more drama... ;)  
> Mention of violence and ptsd

 

It all happened so fast. The adrenaline pumped through your veins as you punched the last agent, knocking him to the ground. You were damn well pleased with yourself, and suddenly your whole world tumbled down around you.

All it took was the sound of someone pulling a trigger followed by a bright light. Once the smoke dissipated, you saw your worst nightmare. Your boyfriend fell to the ground with a loud thud.

You rushed to his side and went down on your knees, holding Steve in your arms. He tried to talk and even raised his hand to gently touch your face, a small smile curling his lips. His eyes closed themselves and his hand fell back limply before he could touch your skin.

It happened fast, but the scene would be etched in your memory forever. Since that dreadful day, you had been curled up against him as he fought to stay alive.

You whispered sweet nothings to him, hoping that he would hear them and wake up, but it was all for nothing.

“Hey!” Bucky put a comforting hand on your shoulder. “Thought you might need coffee.” He handed you a cup of steaming coffee.

You sighed tiredly as he sat in the chair next to the hospital bed. He pursed his lips and blew gingerly across the surface of his hot coffee.

“What you really need is sleep, a proper meal and a shower, but I know I might as well be talking to a wall.” He smiled at you before he carefully sipped the hot drink.

You didn’t reply anything and placed the cup of coffee on the bedside table while Bucky kept looking at you. His expression showed his concern.

“When is he going to wake up?” you asked. “It’s been a month. He should be awake by now.”

“I don’t know,” Bucky sighed and stayed quiet for a moment before he continued. “I’ll stay with him tonight. I need to spend some time away from the others.”

“Why? What’s going on?” You propped yourself up on one elbow to look at him.

“Without Steve, things are a bit… complicated. Vision’s basically my shadow. I know Tony asked him to keep an eye on me. Natasha left to find Fury and Sam, well, he’s Sam.”

“I’m sorry. I was so focused on Steve, I didn’t realize you needed an ally.”

“It’s okay, you don’t have-”

“I’m your friend, I should be here for you,” you cut him off and extended your hand to meet his. He squeezed your hand lightly as your joined hands rested on Steve’s thigh.

“It’s just that… when Steve was around I wasn’t always wonderin’ when my next panic attack was going to hit me, y’know?” He sighed. “Now I feel like a human time bomb.”

“I can help you.”

He scoffed and released your hand. “No offense, but you’ve never witnessed one of my panic attacks.”

“No, but I’ve seen Steve’s.” Bucky looked at you through knitted brows so you continued. “He has PTSD. You know how he is… he never talks about anything and he’s really good at hiding his true feelings. I know your relapses are intense, but my point is, I can help you. I know what to do.”

“Right now, my biggest concern is your health,” Bucky replied, changing the subject. “I want you to come home with me, eat somethin’ and sleep for a few hours. I’m really worried ‘bout you.”

“You shouldn’t be worried, I’m fine. I just want to stay here. I want to be here when he wakes up,” you said, combing your fingers through Steve’s hair.

Bucky got up with a sigh and rounded the bed to stand next to you.

“You said you wanted to help me.” He put a hand on your shoulder, turning you so you were facing him. “Then come with me. You look like a goddamn zombie. You know Steve’ll beat the crap outta me for not takin’ care of you.”

“A zombie?” You blinked slowly.

“Yeah,” Bucky rubbed the back of his neck nervously when he realised he basically just insulted you. “But a really cute zombie. C’mon, doll, you really wanna see Steve kick my ass?”

“I’d love that,” you snickered and stayed quiet for a while before you gave in and climbed off the bed. “Fine, but just tonight and we’ll go back first thing in the morning.”

“I swear.” He crossed his finger over his heart.

You kissed Steve’s cheek one last time, whispering in his ear that you’d be back soon and that you loved him. Your heart ached as you left the room. He looked so alone.

You walked with Bucky and thought about what he had said earlier.

“I thought Sam would haven loosen up a bit after you gave him a new steering wheel.”

“I think it did the opposite,” Bucky sighed as you neared the car. “He gave me a tin of Brasso.”

You stared at him for a second before you burst out laughing. Bucky looked at you through narrowed eyes, but it only made you laugh harder. 

It felt good to laugh again and Bucky knew it. Your tired eyes looked a little brighter.

“Sorry,” you said, stifling a chuckle. He bowed his head and smiled to himself as you calmed down. “Seriously, though, he gave you a tin of metal polish? Did you use it?” you asked with a mischievous grin.

“Of course, I’m not gonna waste it,” Bucky said before you were both laughing.

You went back to the compound and ate something with Bucky before you went to bed.

You had a dream that night, a beautiful dream in which you were standing on a beach. Steve’s arms were wrapped around your shoulders, his face buried in the crook of your neck. Everything was calm, peaceful.

Suddenly, the dream faded and turned into a nightmare. Steve begged you to let him go and when you turned around to hold his hand, he disappeared. You woke up in a cold sweat, gasping for air.

Bucky was sitting at his desk, writing in his notebook when you barged into his room. He closed the book quickly and tucked you against his chest, folding his arms around your body.

He rocked you back and forth like you used to do to him when he had a nightmare. Soon, you calmed down and he accepted to drive you to the hospital, knowing you were too upset to drive.

Sam was already there, pacing nervously in front of Steve’s room. His brown eyes sprang open when he saw you.

“Steve’s awake?” you asked in a hopeful voice. Sam shook his head, and that’s when you saw the worried look on his face. “Is he… Is he dead?” Your voice was barely above a whisper, but he heard you and shook his head again. “Sam, for fuck’s sake, tell me what’s going on!”

Sam avoided your eyes and seemed to choose his words carefully before he raised his head. His eyes bore into yours, there was so much sadness that you took a step back, confusion written all over your face.

“Sam?” you said more calmly.

“The serum is wearing off. He’s changing back into the man he used to be.”

Sam expected you to say or do something, but you were too astonished to move. 

If Steve was losing his enhanced physique, it meant that even the serum couldn’t save him. You took a minute to compose yourself and nodded before you entered Steve’s room.

There he was, lying in his bed, his clothes looked at least a size too big. He was definitely smaller than the last time you saw him.

You took a step forward and looked at him for a long minute. His features looked the same, but his blond hair seemed to cover his forehead a bit more and his shoulders looked less wide than you remembered.

“You okay?” Bucky inquired.

“He’s going to need new clothes,” you avoided the question. “I think Clint’s clothes would do for now.” You looked over your shoulder at the two men behind you. “But he’ll probably need smaller clothes soon. Can you guys find some?”

They nodded and you returned your attention to Steve. Sam took a step forward and put a hand on your shoulder. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you said, the words rehearsed.

You wanted to convince yourself that it was temporary, that Steve would wake up soon, but deep down you knew it was the beginning of the end.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O-kay! So this one will sting... sorry, but it's still a love triangle just wait for it.  
> Language, Angst, Major Character Death (god I hate warnings, they spoil everything...)

 

A few days passed and the super serum was slowly wearing out. The constant bickering with Tony was starting to exhaust you. When he asked you to join a mission, you looked at him as if he had grown another head.

“Are you serious?”

“I know you’re worried about Steve, but lives are in danger. I need you on the field.”

“I’m not going.”

“I’m really sorry,” he said, bowing his head, “to be honest with you, I don’t know how to deal with this. I think it’ll do us some good. Helping others is what we do best. It’s what Steve would have wanted.”

Everyone had been throwing that sentence at you in the past couple of days. You were sick and tired of hearing them talk about the love of your life. You didn’t even know what Steve would have wanted, and you were his goddamn girlfriend.

“No,” you told Tony, ending the conversation.

“We need this,” he tried again.

“No,  _you_  need this.  _I_  need to stay here and take care of him,” you shouted.

The rest of the Avengers were outside the conference room, observing you and Tony through the glass doors. Tony took a deep calming breath as he sat next to you. You didn’t spare him a look, you knew what you had to do.

“I know you’re under a lot of pressure. You’re worried sick, and I am too,” he said calmly. “But we have to keep going. It’s hard enough to see the man who killed my parents in cold blood walk around the building that  _I own_.” When you threw him a dirty look, he added, “I know it wasn’t his fault, but it’s still a fact.”

You sighed and slumped down in your seat. “Tony, we’ve been in all kinds of shitty situations before, but this one? This one is different.”

Tony lifted his head to look at you.

“I quit,” you answered his unasked question and watched as he pressed his lips into a thin line, his eyes closed shut. “If Steve wakes up, he’ll need me more than ever. And if doesn’t…” you trailed off.

Tony hesitated before he put his hand on your shoulder. You rose to your feet and hugged him tight. When you pulled away, he gave you a nod, accepting your resignation.

“We’re here for you.”

“I know, Tony,” you replied before you left the room.

You entered the hallway, facing the rest of the team. Sam had his arms crossed over his chest as he gauged your expression. Natasha was the first to speak.

“You hugged, surely that’s a not good sign.”

“I quit.”

They all gaped at you.

“Is it because of what Tony said?” Wanda asked, her brows furrowed.

You shook your head frantically from side to side. “God, no, Tony has nothing to do with my decision. He’s right, we should keep working, but to me it’s all pointless now. I can’t do that anymore, I know I’ll end up hurting one of you and that’s the last thing I want.”

No one tried to make you change your mind. They knew it was your final decision and that you had given it a lot of thought. 

Still, they felt sorry for you. The way your world collapsed around you, it wasn’t fair.

After a quick goodbye, you returned to the hospital. Bucky was in his usual seat by Steve’s bed, reading a book. He raised his head when you walked into the room.

“You told them everything?” he asked, then took a deep breath when you nodded. “How did it go?”

“Fine,” you replied with a shrug. “Hi, honey!” You kissed Steve’s forehead and gingerly lay down beside him.

He was a lot smaller now. His cheekbones and jawline were sharply defined, making him look almost sick. His feet were no longer touching the end of the bed and his shoulders felt bony.

“You know, before the accident, he watched a lot of Disney films. He loved them, especially the classics,” you laughed. “He used to wake me up with a kiss and say ‘ _that’s true love’_.”

You propped yourself up to cup Steve’s inexpressive face and kissed his lips. You put everything into the kiss, thinking that he might wake up if you did it right. When you pulled away, he was still unconscious.

“Guess it’s not true love.” You fell back on the bed and bit your bottom lip as hot tears ran down the sides of your temples.

Bucky didn’t know what to say, so he walked over to you and made shushing noises while he stroked your hair. His gentle touch helped you relax and soon, you fell asleep.

You were fast asleep when the beeps of the heart monitor started to quicken. The alarm woke you up instantly, and seconds later a group of nurses and doctors rushed into the room.

“He’s going into V-fib!” the doctor shouted.

You quickly climbed off the bed and scanned the room for Bucky. When you found him, you hugged him tight as you stayed close to the wall. The doctors were doing everything they could to save Steve’s life.

You heard the doctor shout ‘Clear’ and Steve’s lifeless body arched off the bed.  The line running across the monitor stayed flat, its high-pitched beep ear-splitting.

The medical team pulled back slowly before one of them asked, “Time of death?”

And that’s when the dam broke. You fell to your knees, Bucky’s arms were still wrapped around your shoulders as he followed your movement. You cried until your throat was sore from screaming.

“I’m so sorry.” A doctor squatted down to talk to you. “If there is anything w-”

You saw his lips move, but you were not paying attention to what he was saying. Your eyes were only slightly open, staring off into space. 

It felt like someone had put your heart in a vice and was turning the screw as tight as possible, crushing the life out of it.  

The butterflies that came to life the day Steve kissed you for the first time suddenly dropped dead, leaving you hollow and scared.

The next two hours were just a big blur of tight hugs and soothing words while you remained quiet. Your body felt numb, your brain shut off completely. They took Steve’s body down to the hospital morgue and gave you his belongings.

Meanwhile Sam and Bucky were taking care of the paperwork. They wanted to help you and make your life easier, but they were also looking for a distraction.

“Gentlemen!” A grey-haired man in a well-cut dark suit stood behind them. “Orders from General Ross, we’ll take it from here.” He handed them a piece of paper that Sam read quickly.

“You can’t do that,” he scoffed, looking up at the man.

“Rogers signed the papers, it’s perfectly legal.”

“What’s goin’ on?” Bucky asked.

“Captain Rogers’ body is now government’s property.”

Bucky took the piece of paper from Sam’s hands and skimmed through it. “He signed these papers in 1943! You can’t use ‘em.”

“Young man, the Declaration of Independence is over two hundred year old, and we still celebrate the Fourth of July, don’t we?”

“Call me  _‘young man’_  again and I’ll punch you in the throat.”

The man sighed tiredly, pinching the bridge of his nose. “You lost a friend today and you need time to process this. I understand, but I still need to talk to his next of kin.”

Sam crossed his arms, sticking out his chest. “We’ll talk to her, get out of here before I let him punch you in the throat.”

“This isn’t personal. There’s still a lot we could learn. The serum is our best military weapon. Your friend’s death will help millions of people. It’s a great honor.”

“I swear to God, shut the fuck up.”

The man flinched before he cleared his throat and said, “please, give her my most sincere condolences.”

“Yeah, we’ll do that,” Sam replied sarcastically before the man left.

When he turned the corner, Sam turned to Bucky. “How are we going to tell her she won’t be allowed to bury her boyfriend?” They looked at each other for a moment before they sighed in unison.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language, Angst and Funeral

 

**Hospital Morgue | The day after Steve’s death**

Sam and Bucky were standing behind you while you looked at Steve.

“He’s so small.” You ran your fingers through Steve’s soft blond hair. “I’ve seen pictures of him from the 30s, but, I don’t know… it’s a little strange to see him like that. He’s still the most handsome man I’ve ever seen.”

Bucky and Sam remained quiet.

“When’s the funeral?” you asked. When they didn’t answer, you looked over your shoulder. “What now?” You frowned when you noticed the way they fidgeted. They looked at each other and sighed.

“Doll, when Steve volunteered to become the first super soldier…” Bucky trailed off, unsure of what to say. “He signed a bunch of legal documents. His body belongs to the government now, we can’t bury him.”

You opened you mouth to question him, but a low and dry laugh escaped your throat instead. “We can’t bury him?” you repeated, dumbfounded.

“We tried to find a lawyer, but everything is perfectly legal. There’s nothing we can do,” Sam sighed.

You were so angry, so sick of everything and so tired that you started laughing. They both looked at you with concerned frowns.

“Doll?” Bucky tried, his voice soft.

“This is ridiculous,” you said, shaking with rage. “What are they going to do to him?” you asked, but you already knew the answer. Of course they were going to experiment on him.

You stormed out of the morgue and ran down the corridor. They called out your name, but you didn’t stop. You desperately needed to be alone. You tried to oppose Ross’ plans, but nothing came through.

A week later, you were sitting on a pew in New York’s biggest church.

The ceremony in honour of the First Avenger would take place the following day. It was going to be a highly mediatised event. The streets were strewn with flowers, cards and teddy bears in honour of Captain America who had bravely gave his life to ensure the safety of his people.

The priest asked you if you wanted to say a few words about Steve, but you weren’t listening. Natasha, who was sitting next to you, noticed the distant look in your eyes.

“I’m sorry, but can we have a moment?” she asked the priest with a gentle smile. She waited until he was gone before she turned to you. “You don’t have to stay. I can take care of everything if you prefer.”

You took a deep breath and shook your head. “I’m fine. Let’s just get this over with.”

She squeezed your shoulder before and you both followed the priest around the cathedral. The ceremony was paid by the government as a ‘sorry we’re taking your boyfriend’s body and experiment on him’.

The following day, you stood in front of the window and looked at the journalists who were gathering in front of the compound.

“Need anything?” Sam asked, startling you out of your thoughts. You turned around, arms crossed over the bodice of your black dress, and saw him enter your room.

“Can you stay with Bucky today? I know you like to tease him, but today he needs a friend.”

“Of course,” he nodded, “we all need a friend today. Don’t worry about him, I’ve got this.”

“You’re an angel, Samuel.”

“I have the wings to prove it,” he replied with a grin as he hugged you tightly.

You all left the compound and tried to avoid the many journalists and photographs.

When you entered the church, the first thing you saw was Steve’s large portrait. Bucky, Sam, Tony, Clint, Rhodey and T’Challa walked into the church, carrying Steve’s empty coffin.

You listened to Sam, Natasha, Tony and the others tell heart-warming stories about Steve. The night before, Bucky had declined your offer to speak in front of everyone. You couldn’t blame him, it wasn’t something you wanted to do either.

When the priest called your name, people turned their head. Cameras were pointing in your direction and you suddenly felt like you were surrounded by trained snipers. You walked to the desk and faced the crowd, swallowing the lump in your throat.

The church was packed with people, most of them were strangers. You could see more people gathered behind security fences outside the church. There was a large screen that broadcasted the ceremony for those who couldn’t find a seat.

You cleared your throat, the sound echoed around the church.

“Steve was…” you trailed off and looked at the few familiar faces in the crowd. Sam gave you an encouraging nod and you were about to carry on with your speech when you met General Ross’ eyes. Hurt and anger bubbled up inside you. “You never deserved him.”

This was definitely not was you were supposed to say. The whole church gasped, Natasha looked ready to come to your rescue. You pointed an accusing finger at General Ross as you continued to speak.

“You used him, wore him out, and not that he can finally rest, you’re still taking advantage of him. You’re just a bunch of political scumbags. You make me sick.”

As you pushed the microphone out of your way, it made a high pitched screech that echoed through the immense cathedral. You walked past Steve’s empty coffin without looking at it and left the church.

People were looking at you, but you were too upset to care. The whole funeral was a joke and you refused to stay there a minute longer.

An hour later, the Avengers were gathered at the far end of the graveyard for a more intimate ceremony. Your friends were holding onto each other as they stood in front of the empty coffin. You watched the scene from the other end of the graveyard, alone.

Or so you thought…

“I knew I’d find you here. I liked your speech by the way.”

You turned around, Bucky was standing behind you, a small grin teasing his lips. “Sorry, I saw Ross and… I lost it.”

“That was fun,” he laughed before he took a step forward and nodded towards the Avengers. “Why don’t you join them?” You didn’t answer his question and simply shrugged. “Let me show you something.”

He walked up the centre aisle and you followed him closely. He stopped in front of a large granite headstone, the name BARNES was engraved on it. You stopped next to him and looked at the names.

> James Buchanan 1917-1945
> 
> Georges M. 1893-1972
> 
> Winifred C. née Hubbard 1897-1980

It was obvious that someone had spent quite some time weeding the old grave.

“My parents buried an empty coffin. They thought I died a hero.” He laughed, but there was no humour in it.

“You  _are_  a hero, Bucky.”

He turned his head to look at you. “I’m sure the people I killed would disagree.” You took his hand in yours, squeezing it tightly.

“I’m glad my parents are no longer here to see what I’ve become. But my point is, even though she lost me, I’m sure my Ma’ often visited my grave and talked to me like I was still with her.” He smiled sadly, tracing his mother’s name with the pad of his index.

You both stayed silent in front of the gravestone. After a few minutes of intense thinking, you broke the silence.

“You’re right. Let’s go, I want to say goodbye to Steve.”

You clung to Bucky’s metal arm as you joined your friends. They paused the ceremony for a moment and you sent an apologetic smile to your friends.

Natasha walked over to you and put a comforting hand on your arm. “I kept you a seat. I’m glad you’re here.”

You smiled weakly at her before you took your seat. When they set the coffin over the freshly dug hole, hot tears ran down your cheeks. At the end of the priest’s speech, you all got up and queued to throw a white rose on top of Steve’s casket.

“Goodbye, my love,” you whispered as you threw yours.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feelings are blooming, yay!  
> Warnings: Injuries (super duper light)

 

**Your hotel room, New York | One Month after Steve’s Death**

You bent over and fumbled around through various drawers, gathering your clothes and other knickknacks, which included the necklace Steve gave you for your first anniversary and a t-shirt Bucky gave you for Christmas.

You zipped the bag shut and took your jacket from the bed before you made a beeline for the door. You swung it open and almost crashed into Bucky who was standing there, his arms crossed.

“Bucky! You scared me!” you said, placing a hand over your racing heart.

“Goin’ somewhere?” he said, nodding towards your backpack.

“Yes.” You moved past him and walked to the lift. “I can’t stay here anymore. Ross is out there, doing God knows what to my deceased boyfriend.”

“Where you goin’ to say goodbye?”

You pressed the call button and awkwardly avoided his gaze. “Of course.”

“You’re not a good liar,” he deadpanned. “There’s a car outside, a rental.”

You merely hummed in response as you stepped into the lift. Bucky followed you. You could feel his eyes on you during the whole ride.

“What?” you finally snapped.

“Tell me why Nakia’s sitting in the front seat wearing a pair of sunglasses and a baseball cap.”

_Busted…_

Huffing out a sigh, you rested your back against the wall. “Well she’s a spy, isn’t she? And that’s the recommended outfit for spies, right?” you sassed. Bucky said your name in a scolding tone. “Alright, fine, she’s here to pick me up.”

The lift stopped and you stepped out into the lobby. Bucky quickly led you to a quiet corner near the restroom.

“Tell me you’re not joining P.R.I.D.E.”

You looked around to make sure no one was eavesdropping. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Buck.”

P.R.I.D.E. – short for Princess Regent Intelligence Division Executives- was Wakanda’s intelligence agency after King T’Challa turned into dust following the Battle of Wakanda. Princess Shuri was still in charge of the organisation.

Bucky ran a hand down his face. “Goddammit, do you know how much trouble you could get in if Ross ever finds out about this?”

You shushed him. “Not here.”

You looked around and found a narrow corridor that led to a more secluded part of the hotel. You closed the door and turned back to Bucky.

“You know why they took Steve’s body, right? They’re trying to recreate the original super serum. And once they succeed, do you really think they’ll stop after going this far?”

Bucky fought back a groan. “No, of course, not.”

“They’ll want Vibranium, and with an army of super soldiers, it’ll be a piece of cake to invade Wakanda. Now I can keep an eye on them.”

“You’re gonna get yourself killed,” Bucky whisper-yelled.

You gave him a small shrug and he realized that was exactly what you were trying to do. He stayed quiet for a moment, and when he spoke again, his voice was weak.

The way he said your name made your eyes water. You closed them shut and clenched your jaw to keep from crying. Bucky took a step forward and wrapped his arms around you.

For the first time in weeks, you allowed yourself to cry. You clung to him, your hands clutching the fabric of his shirt. Bucky held you close and whispered encouraging words until you stopped crying.

“Stay strong for me, doll, I can’t lose another friend.” He wiped your tears with his thumbs and smiled at you. “I think we both need a little change of scenery.”

“You’re coming with me?”

“Yeah, besides, I know my way around Wakanda,” he replied with a grin.

**Serpent Valley, Wakanda | 4 Months after Steve’s Death**

Bucky and you had been working for Princess Shuri for nearly three months.

After your last mission report, the Princess sent you to Serpent Valley, a deep and dark forest heated by a mysterious inner source. You were leaving the royal palace when Okoye told you to watch out for the dinosaurs.

You didn’t think much of it, they always teased Bucky about his age. You laughed quietly while Bucky stared daggers at you.

Everything was going great. You had managed to link the weapons used in an attack to a group of thieves and you were now on your way to Bucky’s cabin when, as if sensing danger, a flock of birds flew away. The silence that followed was deafening.

“Did you hear that?” Bucky asked, holding his rifle higher as he scanned the area.

Instinctively, you pulled your knife out of its holster and stood next to Bucky. A low growl echoed through the vast forest. A chill ran down your spine as you felt the vibrations of the roar travel through your body.

“Buck?” you whispered. “Remember what Okoye said about the dinosaurs? I don’t think she was talking about you.”

As if on cue, the creature appeared out of nowhere. You stood there, frozen in place, as the T-rex began running toward you.

Bucky took your hand and ran with you toward a little cave not far away from where you were. The supposedly extinct animal was too large to follow you there, but it wasn’t going to give up that easily. It stood guard and patiently waited for his dinner to come out.

“I thought they were extinct!” you said, breathing hard.

“Yeah? Well, it looks pretty real to me,” Bucky remarked sarcastically.

When you limped over to a large rock, Bucky glanced at you, a frown buckling his forehead. You waved your hand dismissively and held back a groan as you removed your shoe and sock.

“I think I sprained my ankle,” you explained.

He was at your side in an instant. “Let me help.”

He put your foot on his thigh and carefully examined your swollen ankle. His fingers spider-tickled your skin, making you shiver.

“Does it hurt?” He looked up at you with a concerned look in his eyes.

“Not right now.”

“Okay, keep your foot elevated,” he told you. “It’s not like we’re going anywhere anytime soon.”

You looked at the creature still guarding the door and nodded. Bucky reached into his backpack and pulled out a bottle of water, taking a long gulp before he handed it to you. You watched him lick his lips and continued staring until he gently squeezed your knee.

“You okay? You look a little lost.”

Pulling yourself out of your daydreams, you gave him a small smile and took a sip of water. “I’m fine,” you replied. “Never thought I’d see a fucking T-rex today.”

Bucky laughed. “Yeah, tell me about it. Wait until I tell Ste-”

He didn’t finish his sentence, the bright smile on his face vanished as soon as he remembered his best friend was dead. Bucky cleared his throat, a regretful look passed over his features.

“Drink up, doll. You need to stay hydrated.”

He stood and walked away from you, rummaging through his backpack until he found his notebook. He had spent a lot of time lately writing into his notebooks. You figured he needed an outlet to vent his feelings.

It probably meant nothing, but you started noticing little things like the grey in his blue eyes and the laugh lines around his eyes. His smiles were rare, but they made him look so different. He looked happy, serene.

You also noticed the way his body moved; he was agile and yet strong. His skin was tanned to a golden hue, though his nose and cheekbones were sun reddened. It only made his eyes bluer and his smiles brighter.

You could have blamed the heat, but these warm feelings were real. Deep down, you knew you had to remain detached. Steve was the love of your life, Bucky was just a friend.

**Avengers Headquarters, Outside New York | 2 Months after Steve’s Death**

General Ross just revealed the truth to the three most talented scientists he knew. Helen Cho was sitting next to Bruce, they both looked appalled. Tony was standing behind them, his arms crossed over his chest. He looked down at his feet and laughed nervously.

“You’re asking us to conduct experiments on our dead friend?” Tony scoffed. “Are we supposed to thank you for the opportunity?”

“If anyone can recreate the formula… it’s you,” Ross replied before a heavy silence settled over the meeting room. “Now, get to work.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feels!

 

**Warrior Falls, Wakanda | 6 Months after Steve’s Death**

It took you and Bucky nearly five months, but you found the group of mercenaries who had been stealing Vibranium. You were going to Birnin Zana, the capital, but first you had to leave Serpent Valley.

Once you were finally out of the dark forest, you let out an excited squeal as a sunbeam hit your face. You had not seen the sun in weeks and it felt good to see the blue sky.

Bucky smiled at your antics.

You followed the path leading to the fall, the sound of running water getting closer and closer. Soon, you were standing in awe in front of the crystal lake.

“Oh God,” you gasped. “This is incredible.”

The Fall looked like a series of waterfalls connected by rocks shaped like stairs. You immediately understood why they used this place for their coronation ceremonies. It was elegant, spiritual and powerful.

“You can blink, y’know. It’s not going to disappear.” Bucky teased, laughing quietly.

You tore your eyes away from the waterfall and fumbled around in your backpack. It was time to clean up a little and refill your flasks.

Bucky sat down on a log and removed his shoes and socks. You took a bar of soap and tried not to pay attention as Bucky removed his shorts.

It wasn’t the first time you saw him in his underwear, but it never failed to make your heart race. A small patch of dark hair trailed down from his navel to below his underwear where the angle of his hips came together in a sculpted ‘V’.

Bucky stepped into the water and you slowly removed your clothes. You climbed onto a large rock where cold streams tumbled down the hillside and let the cold pressure soothe your aching muscles.

He turned around to tell you something, but his voice caught in his throat and he suddenly forgot what he wanted to say. You stood under the waterfall with your back to him. Your head was thrown back, your fingers combing through your wet hair.

Bucky knew he should have looked away, but he couldn’t. He never saw anything more beautiful, like Venus rising out of the sea. It took his breath away and he suddenly wished he had a camera to capture this moment.

He imagined himself joining you under the waterfall, holding you close to his chest. He could almost feel your lips against his. He could almost hear you moan softly against his mouth.

 _Almost_.

He felt his heart race, his breathing turned shallow and fast like he was a trapped animal. He was torturing himself. You were so close, yet so far out of his reach.

He knew he was betraying his best friend, but what he felt was so powerful and pure that he let himself believe in a future with you. It was crazy and he knew it, you would never love anyone the way you loved Steve.

He turned around and forced the image out of his head.

You put the bar of soap on the rocky ground, feeling clean and new, and threw a cautious look at Bucky.

The muscles in his back moved when he gathered his long hair in a bun. He stretched the elastic and held it in place before he splashed water onto his chest.

You tried to ignore the butterflies in your stomach. It would have been so easy to sneak up behind him and wrap your arms around his waist.

You thought about kissing the white scars covering his tanned skin and quickly shook your head, trying to focus on something else.

You loved Steve and you were still grieving, but a small part of you needed to move on, to live again. You wanted to listen to that little voice inside your head. It was like having an itch that you just couldn’t scratch.

You climbed the slippery rocks that led to the top of the waterfall and looked down at the pond where Bucky was washing his clothes. You whistled and he looked around him for a moment before he saw you.

“What are you doing up there?” he asked, raising a hand to shield his eyes from the sun.

“The view is amazing. I want to jump!”

“Don’t,” he screamed. “It’s too dangerous.”

“Do it with me.”

“I fell off a cliff once before,” he shouted back. “T’wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.”

He used his metal arm to blind you and laughed when you cursed him. After a moment, he decided to join you, knowing that you’d jump whether he was with you or not. Sometimes, you reminded him of Steve.

When he was close enough, you extended your hand to him. He wrapped his metal fingers around yours.

“Together?” you asked.

“Together.” He nodded firmly and tightened his grip around your hand before you both jumped off the waterfall into the pond.

You let out an excited scream, the fall seemed to last forever. The chute sparkled like blue and white fairy dust before you hit the water. Everything around you was blurry, blue and quiet. It was strangely peaceful.

Slowly, you reached the surface of the water and took a deep breath. You laughed when Bucky popped out of the water, gasping for air.

“We should do it again,” you said.

During the fall, strands of hair escaped his bun to fall across his face. He groaned, trying to brush the drenched locks away from his face, but he only made it worse.

“Wait, let me help you,” you chuckled and swam closer to him.

You tucked his hair behind his ears and used your free hand to hold one of his shoulder. He opened his eyes to thank you, but no words came out. You both fell silent.

You were so close that his nose was practically touching yours. His gaze dropped to your mouth and for a second, he lowered his guard. Your chest rose and fell rapidly, his metal shoulder was slippery under your hand.

You kissed him… or perhaps he kissed you. I didn’t matter. It was just you and him. And at that moment, nothing else mattered.

You wrapped your legs around his waist while his hands roamed over your sides. Your skin burned, your blood was boiling in your veins.

It felt amazing, better than you had imagined and God knows you had imagined it a lot. You came back to your senses when Bucky’s pleasure groans reached your ears.

Your eyes snapped open and a sickening feeling hit you. Steve was the love of your life, you couldn’t betray him like that.

“I can’t do this,” you said, pushing Bucky away from you.

He stared at you, his lips were red and swollen from the kiss. Guilt twisted his guts into knots as he watched you swim back to shore. He took a moment to compose himself before he followed you.

“We need a fire,” he said without looking at you. “I’ll go find some kindling.” He left without waiting for a reply.

**Classified Location | 5 Months after Steve’s Death**

The room was white and cold. Helen was looking at the results of their last experiment.

“We have to warn her.” Bruce folded his arms over his chest, shrugging his shoulders as his eyes darted from Tony to Helen.

“And tell her what?” Tony replied in a loud whisper. He raised his hand and pretended to make a phone call. “Hey, hot stuff! Sorry to bother you, but we’ve implanted bio-chips into your dead boyfriend’s neural system and-”

“Shh!” Helen put her index finger to her lips. “They are going to hear you. If they know you want to warn his girlfriend they will send us back home.”

Bruce turned on the balls of his feet and faced her. “Maybe they should. I don’t like what’s happening here.”

“Doctor Banner, this makes me deeply uncomfortable, but it’s better if Steve stays with us. At least we can manage the situation,” Helen pointed out while looking through the window. “Now, let’s get back to work.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Language and implied sex ^^

 

You managed to avoid Bucky all evening, but the following morning, you realized that keeping your feelings to yourself wasn’t the right solution. You always encouraged Steve to talk about his feelings and lord knows he had a guarded heart.

You’d be a hypocrite if you didn’t heed your own advice.

Still, you couldn’t deny the ache that filled your chest every time you thought about Steve. And since Bucky was giving you the silent treatment, you had plenty of time to think about Steve.

Once you reached his cabin, things got worse. Bucky was always outside, working or taking care of his goats and he barely spoke to you; a grumbled ‘ _hello’_  in the morning and a  _‘good night’_ before he locked himself in his bedroom.

One afternoon, while Bucky went to the market, you were outside feeding the goats when you heard the sound of children laughing. Looking up, you found Bucky surrounded by little kids who were all trying to get his attention. Bucky was listening to their stories, a bright smile on his face before he inadvertently locked eyes with you.

You smiled, and it was enough to make him smile again. His arms were laden with grocery bags, but he still managed to pull out a jumbo pack of Sour Patch Kids. The child who caught it ran away screaming while the others ran after him.

“Look at you, Mister Popular,” you teased.

“They were just here for the candies,” he replied with a shy smile.

“Sure,” you said, unconvinced.

This was the longest conversation you’d had with Bucky since the kiss. You stared at each other for a moment, neither of you knowing what to say, until Bucky looked away.

“Bucky, wait!” You stopped him as he entered the house. “I know we both feel like crap because of what happened last week, but-” you bit your lip, choosing your words carefully, “I don’t regret it, and I know I should because your Steve’s best friend, but it felt nice and I… I kinda want to do it again.”

Bucky dropped the bags on the ground at his feet and took a moment to process what he’d just heard. He knew you were still grieving, and he was, too, but he also knew that what he was feeling for you went beyond friendship.

And yes, he felt like he was betraying his best friend, but for once in his life, he wanted to be selfish. He wanted happiness.

“I want to do it again, too,” he said with a smile. “We should probably let things evolve naturally. Are you sure about this?”

“Yes,” you nodded, “I’m ready.”

Life went on without Steve, of course it did; it was not the end of your story, only his.

**Woods of Solitude, Wakanda | One Year and Two Months after Steve’s Death**

Your relationship with Bucky was developing slowly. It began with soft kisses and lingering touches before things became more heated. But it never went too far, old memories still looming over you.

When Bucky told you that he loved you, you stayed silent. You loved him, but you were not ready to say it out loud. Bucky understood, though he couldn’t hide the slight disappointment in his voice when he told you to take your time.

Shuri had sent you on a mission with Bucky while the rest of P.R.I.D.E. was investigating another lead on the other side of Wakanda. The Woods of Solitude was a forest near the royal palace where people came to meditate.

That evening, when you decided to stop for the night, you started to think about your life. Your life used to be completely different, but your new life wasn’t that bad. You had a new job, a new home and  _Bucky_.

He must have noticed the contemplative look on your face as he slung his metal arm around your shoulders and pulled you closer to him. “What’s on your mind?”

“Just thinking,” you replied with a shrug of your shoulder. “You know, for a long time, I thought Steve’s death was a joke, that he was going to come back, but he’s not coming back, is he?”

“No, doll,” Bucky sighed, pressing a kiss to your temple.

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned through all of this, it’s that you never know what’s going to happen next. Steve and I, we thought we had all the time in the world and look where we are now.”

“I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?” He pulled back to look at you.

“I love you.”

“D-oll,” Bucky stammered in shocked surprise, his eyes comically wide. You laughed softly at his reaction and made no protest went he cupped your face, gauging your expression. He only found sincerity and maybe a little bit of fear.

“I’ve been holding myself back for weeks because I thought I was betraying Steve. And I still love him, I will always love him, but he’s not here. You are.”

“And you love me?” he said. When you nodded, he narrowed his eyes playfully. “Nah-uh, say it again.”

You rolled your eyes. “I love you.”

“Without the eye roll.”

“I love you.”

Bucky was one in a million. Sure sometimes he reminded you of Steve, but they basically grew up together.

You lay down on your sleeping bag near the campfire, then reached up and pulled him down to you. Flames crackled softly as Bucky unbuttoned his shirt.

He went to his knees between the ‘V’ of your legs and lay on top of you. He rested his weight on his forearms as you opened his blue shirt completely, revealing his toned stomach.

Bucky watched intently as you unbuckled his belt. He looked down at you with pure adoration and you knew you had made the right choice.

His hands touched every part of you, eliciting soft moans from you. Your bodies moved together in perfect rhythm, his heavy breathing matching your own.

Later, you rested your head on his chest while he played mindlessly with your hair. You placed a tender kiss on his chest, a happy smile tugging at the corners of your lips. 

It felt good to let go of the guilt. You looked up at the sky and closed your eyes.

**Avengers Headquarters | One Year after Steve’s Death**

Natasha crossed her arms and looked down at the floor, pondering Tony’s question. He gazed at her with tired eyes. Finally she looked up at him and sighed.

“I already tried to find her, but she just disappeared into thin air,” she finally said. “Barnes’ gone, too.”

“How?” Tony’s brows furrowed.

“I guess you could say she’s a good student. I showed her a few tricks,” she replied with a little smirk. “Besides, she’s probably with Barnes and he’s good at hiding, too.”

“We need to find her.” He let out a groan when his phone vibrated in his pocket.

“Is it him?” Natasha asked with a nod towards his phone.

“Yeah,” Tony sighed. He sent a quick text, then pocketed his phone. “They watch our every move, be careful. Find her, please.”

“I will.”


	7. Chapter 7

 

**Farm Land, Wakanda | One Year and a Half after Steve’s Death**

It was the Fourth of July and silence settled over the ranch. It was a beautiful night and you were sitting on a haystack, drinking a cup of tea. Bucky’s farm wasn’t much to look at, but it was sturdy and you felt at home there.

You wanted to be alone for a moment to wish Steve a happy birthday. You wrapped your finger around the chain of the necklace Steve gave you a while ago and said a silent prayer.

Bucky opened the front door and relaxed when he saw you. Your eyes were closed and there was a small smile on your lips. He carefully made his way over to you and climbed onto the haystack. You opened your eyes and smiled at him before you let him pull you into a hug.

Bucky rolled out of bed, grabbed his sweatpants from the floor and slipped them on. From where he stood he could see your shoulders shook while you cried silently.

“It’s the Fourth of July,” you whispered, afraid to disturb the tomblike silence.

He pressed a kiss to your temple. “I know. How are you holding up?”  

“I’m good.” You looked up at him and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. “I just needed a moment alone with my memories.”

**Royal Palace, Wakanda | Two Years and Three Months after Steve’s Death**

Two guards opened the large double doors of the royal palace while you playfully argued with Bucky. You thanked them and walked down the endless corridor.

The Princess sent you on a mission to find a precious relic. It used to belong to the first Black Panther and everyone was really excited.

Bucky nudged your side with his elbow when you tried to take the relic from him.

“Give it to me!” you chuckled, reaching behind his back.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied in a faux naïve voice, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lip. “Oh, that?” he quipped, lifting the item high above his head.

“I’m the one who solved the riddle, I should be the one holding it.” You squealed when you managed to grab hold of the relic. You tried to walk faster, but he easily caught up with you.

“Wait a second!” He made you stop. You protectively pressed the relic against your chest. “I’m the one who knocked down the guards.”

“Good for you, but brain beats muscle.” you replied with a lopsided smirk.

You shivered when you saw the way he was looking at you. He looked straight into your eyes and licked his lips. You watched as his eyes went from blue to pitch black. He took a step forward and you could feel your heart beating faster.

A small breathless gasp escaped your mouth when he snaked his arm around your waist, pulling you flush against him. You swallowed thickly and felt his quiet chuckle.

“Together?” he asked as he rubbed the tip of his nose against yours. You giggled and agreed with a nod.

“Together.”

He closed the remaining distance between you and kissed you. His grip tightened around your waist when your knees buckled. You felt him smile into the kiss. He loved the way you responded to his touch.

You moaned softly when his tongue grazed yours in slow, yet heated caresses. His left hand pressed against your lower back, keeping you close. With a stupid smile, you pulled away to rest your forehead against his.

A sudden movement caught your attention. It was blurry, but it didn’t look like T’Challa. You turned your head to take a closer look, but what you saw left you completely speechless. You pushed Bucky away as hard as you could and took a step back.

“What the-” Bucky stumbled backwards, but regained his balance quickly.

He looked at you and although your voice got caught in your throat, he managed to read your lips.  _Steve_. He turned his head so fast that the room started spinning.

Steve was standing in the middle of the throne room, Natasha was only a step behind him. Bucky’s lips parted in a silent gasp as he stared at the man who was supposed to be dead.

Steve looked at him, his face blank of emotion, but his eyes were ice cold and menacing.

Bucky slowly turned his head to look at you. It was too much, your legs buckled under you. Bucky quickly caught you before you could hit the ground.


	8. Chapter 8

 

Steve was standing in front of a full length mirror, brows furrowed as he silently judged his own outfit. He had opted to wear a pair of black jeans and a beige polo, but that colour looked dull on him. He groaned in frustration and removed his shirt, throwing it onto the chair behind him.

Natasha knocked on the door and let herself in. She knew he was nervous, but she didn’t expect to find such a mess.

“Not that one,” she said, startling Steve who finally acknowledged her presence. He was now wearing a plaid shirt and his leather jacket. “Makes you look like you’re old. Take the dark blue one.” She tossed the shirt at him.

“Do you mind?” He motioned for Natasha to turn around so he could change his shirt.

She rolled her eyes, a wide grin spread across her lips. When he finished, she turned around and nodded. “She loves that shirt.”

According to T’Challa, you and Bucky were supposed to arrive today after a long mission in Panther Island. Steve was so excited he had barely slept. But now, his excitement turned into anxiety.

“Ready?” Natasha asked, placing a soothing hand on Steve’s shoulder as he returned his attention to the mirror.

He took a deep breath and nodded. Together they walked into the throne room where T’Challa was talking to his Dora Milaje.

Natasha asked as they stood in the middle of the hall. Steve looked as taut as a plastic toy soldier as they stood in the middle of the hall. She gave him a reassuring smile. “Nervous?”

“That obvious, uh?” He hung his head and grinned. “I haven’t seen her in over two years. I don’t want to frighten her. She still thinks I died.”

“Don’t worry, she’ll be happy to see you.”

The large double doors of the palace opened. Fear and excitement were running through his veins.

He saw you, arguing with Bucky as you tried to take something from his hand. Steve’s heart pounded in his chest, seeing you smile made him want to smile, too.

He took a step forward, his head held high, expecting you to notice him soon, but you were still arguing with Bucky.

He opened his mouth to say your name when Bucky’s hand snaked around your waist. He watched as Bucky kissed you passionately. You kissed him back with the same desperate need and Steve felt as if the whole room was closing in on him.

He felt like an idiot. He had spent two hours choosing this outfit just for you; the shirt you loved, the jeans that made you stare at his ass.  _Get away from here, Rogers_ , he thought.  _Leave before she can see you. She doesn’t care about you anymore._

He couldn’t move, his feet were glued to the ground and all he could do was watch as Bucky’s tongue delved into your mouth. A knife through his heart would have been less painful. You pulled away from Bucky, the look of pure bliss on your face tore Steve’s heart apart.

Steve met your eyes for a second, a second that seemed to last an eternity. He saw your legs buckle before you fainted into Bucky’s arms.

*

Steve sat stiffly, his arms crossed over his chest. He was looking at the floor as if the tiles were the most interesting thing in the world. Bucky sat with his elbows on his thighs. He kept his eyes on Steve.

“Stop looking at me,” Steve spoke, his jaw clenched tight, though his eyes were still fixed on the ground.

“Oh, so you do know I’m here,” Bucky retorted. “’Cause you’ve been staring at the tiles for over an hour. Say something, Steve.”

“I have nothing to say,” the stubborn blond replied with a shrug.

Bucky knew it would be pointless to try to make him talk so he sat back in his seat and sighed. After a few more minutes of silence, Steve suddenly raised his head and looked at Bucky.

“I do have one question.” Bucky’s brows knitted together, but he nodded. “How long did you wait before you shoved your tongue down her throat?”

Bucky flinched at his caustic tone. “It’s not what happened.”

“She is my girlfriend, James!”

He avoided Bucky’s wide eyes, the word ‘ _James’_  heavy on his tongue. Steve never uses Bucky’s real name. Never. This came as a blow to both of them.

“You were dead.”

“And now I’m not.” Steve looked up at Bucky and shrugged. “You couldn’t find your own best girl? You had to take mine?”

“I’m sorry.” Bucky moved closer to Steve. “I really tried not to fall in love with her. You’re my family, always have been, and I understand if-”

“Wait, wait, wait!” Steve raised a hand, cutting him off. “You love her?” Steve looked him in the eye, he needed to make sure Bucky wasn’t lying. The look in Bucky’s eyes was genuine and it crushed Steve’s heart even further. “Doe-does she love you?”

Bucky couldn’t help but smile. He had asked himself the same question over and over, but the answer turned out to be quite simple. “Yes.”

A heavy silence fell over the room as neither of them spoke after that, each lost in their own thoughts. They were lost in their own world when you entered the room. You closed the door behind you and they both looked up at you.

You stayed close to the door, your hand behind your back still holding the doorknob. Being in the same room as your dead boyfriend and your new boyfriend felt strange. You didn’t want to come closer.

“Natasha said it was really you,” you told the blond, “that you’re really Steve, but I know what I saw. I was there when Steve died, and he was small.”

Steve stood from his seat, but he didn’t try to approach you, noticing the panicked look in your eyes. “I’m Steve,” he said, “it’s really me. Ask me anything.”

You let out a shaky sigh. You wanted to believe him, you wanted to believe that the man you loved was back, but Steve’s death had been so  _normal_ , so real.

He didn’t disappear into thin air. It took weeks before his body gave up, before the serum wore out and, some days, you could still hear the heart monitor’s strident noise in your ears.

“Prove it,” you finally replied. “If you’re Steve, tell me what happened, tell me why I should believe you.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go! TW language, implied smut and angst  
> 

 

You wanted details, so Steve told you everything. He explained that Erskine’s serum was the government’s most valuable asset and that it would be impossible to recreate the formula if Steve died.

They had used Tetrodotoxin B to slow his pulse to one beat per minute. It was the same drug Fury used when he faked his death. While Steve spoke, you started to relive that moment in your mind; the chaos in the room, the strident beeps of the machines, the green flat line on the monitor.

Sensing your distress, Steve paused for a moment. He wanted to wrap his arms around you and tell you that everything would work out, but he wasn’t sure of that anymore. Bucky was standing next to you, his hand on your shoulder, a simple reminder that you were not his anymore.

You took a deep breath and nodded. Steve took this as a sign to continue.

General Ross asked the best scientists in the country to recreate the formula, but instead they used their knowledge to trigger what was left of the serum running through Steve’s veins.

“Tony, Bruce and Helen would explain it better,” Steve said, grinning sheepishly at his shoes before he raised his head and met your eyes. “When I woke up, you were gone. No one could find you or Bucky.”

“You were alive? This whole time?” you said, choking back a sob. “And I-” you stuttered, looking at Bucky for a second, “we… Oh, God!”

You slid down the length of the door until you sat on the floor and wrapped your arms around your knees. Silence settled over the room before Steve cleared his throat.

“Do you love him?” he asked quietly with a nod toward Bucky.

“I do,” you whispered.

He ran a hand down his face and clamped his hand over his mouth, trying not to cry. His voice trembled with emotion when he asked if you loved him. A shaky breath left his lips when you said yes.

“How? When?” Steve asked, looking at you before he briefly met Bucky’s eyes.

Bucky looked down at his feet, ashamed. If the situation were reversed, he’d be demanding answers, too, so he couldn’t really blame him.

“A little over a year ago,” you told him. “We were both grieving and… we got closer.”

“A little too close,” Steve sharply interrupted.

“I don’t know what to tell you,” you said, “it just happened. How was I supposed to know you were not dead? I saw you at the morgue, Steve.”

“Pal, I assure you we-” Bucky spoke before Steve cut him off.

“You have to choose!” Steve exclaimed, rising up from his seat. “Is it him or me?”

You looked at him, mouth agape and eyes wide. You should have expected it, but it still hurt to choose between them. You loved them both and you had no idea what to do.

They were both looking at you, waiting for an answer, and your heart was beating so fast, you thought it might actually leap from your chest. You pushed yourself off the floor, but remained quiet.

A knock at the door interrupted the conversation. Natasha opened the door, but she stayed in the hallway. Knowing her, she must have been eavesdropping. She played it cool and asked if you wanted to join the royal family for dinner.

It was the most awkward dinner party you had ever attended; uncomfortable silences, curious side glances and forced small talk. Not exactly ideal…

After dinner, you told Bucky you wanted to be alone with Steve for a few minutes. He stared at you for a long moment, his jaw clenched tight, before he nodded. He brought your hand to his lips and kissed the back of your hand.

You walked Steve up to his room, wondering what you should tell him first. There were so many things you wanted to tell him, but you had no idea where to start.

“I am not going to hurt you,” Steve said, pulling you out of your daydream. “I’m really here, it’s really me and I will never hurt you.”

“I just need time.”

“I know things can’t go back to the way they used to be, but I won’t stop fighting for you. It took me a century to find the love of my life, I won’t back down without a fight.” You flinched when you heard the word  _fight_. “Figuratively speaking,” he added quickly.

Once you arrived at his door, he turned back to you and offered you a bright smile. He smiled at you with that smiled you thought you would never see again and for a split second, you forgot about the last couple of years. This was the man you used to date, the man you wanted to be with for the rest of your life.

“So this is goodnight.”

“Yes, I guess.” You fidgeted nervously. “Hey, so, um, we could meet for breakfast tomorrow. Just you and I, hopefully no awkward small talk this time.”

He laughed. “I would love to.”

You closed the distance and wrapped your arms around his waist. You buried your face in his shoulder and let his familiar scent calm your worries.

He kissed your hair, one hand cradling the back of your head, the other against the small of your back. He held you against him for a long moment.

“I missed you, sweetheart.”

 _Sweetheart_. Bucky never used that nickname, he knew it was Steve’s cute name for you and you couldn’t bear hearing it from someone other than Steve.

Without realizing what you were doing, you started trailing kisses up the column of his neck. You pulled away from him when he turned his head to claim your lips.

“I can’t do that. I’m sorry, Bucky’s waiting for me.”

“I understand.” He smiled sadly and kissed your temple instead. “See you tomorrow.”

You walked back to the room you shared with Bucky and let yourself in without knocking. You found him near the bed, zipping his backpack shut.

“Going somewhere?” you asked defensively.

“New mission,” he replied with a shrug as he tried to walk past you. You took his wrist before he could pull away. “I have to go.”

“You’re leaving me?” you asked in a small voice.

“Steve’s back, I thought you’d rather want to be alone with him,” he said without looking at you. “I’ll give you space, don’t want to be in the way.”

“What about us?” you asked. He opened his mouth to say something, but instead he closed his eyes and swallowed thickly. “Bucky, I swear if the next words that come out of your mouth are not ‘ _I’m staying, sorry for being an idiot’_  I’m going to scream.”

“Bucky?” You released his wrist and he raised his head to look at you.

With a defeated sigh, he dropped his backpack on the floor and curled one arm around your shoulders to draw you closer. You fisted the front of his shirt in your hands and closed your eyes.

“I’m staying, sorry for being an idiot,” he said, kissing your hair. He decided to pretend you didn’t smell like Steve and focused on the softness of your skin instead.

“You scared me for a second,” you mumbled against his chest.

“Tell me about it, dollface,” he scoffed. “It would have been easier for you to let me go. Less drama.”

“It can’t be that easy.” You pulled away to look at him. “Promise me you won’t leave. I love you-” you kissed his jawline, “-and think I should remind you-” his chin, “-just how much-” his lips, “-I love you.”

You took his hand and walked backwards towards the bed, your eyes never leaving his. When the back of your knees hit the mattress, you sat down and pulled Bucky down with you.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this isn’t how it ended the first time I posted this, but I figured after a year and a half you deserved to know her choice before chapter 11. So yeah now I have to finish this story…good lord…  
> TW: Language, Angst, Cliffhanger

 

Bucky woke up first and rolled onto his side, facing you. He let his fingers trace the outlines of your cheek and smiled when you stirred in your sleep. The light tickle woke you up and you mumbled a sleepy ‘ _good morning’_. He didn’t reply, he just smiled and curled his arm around you waist, pulling you against him.

“Sleep well?”

“Um, yes. I wish I could stay in bed all day.”

You pressed a kiss to his cheek before you threw the covers off and went to the bathroom.

Bucky watched you with a frown on his face. When you started getting dressed, he rolled out of bed and walked naked to you. He wrapped his arms around you and buried his face in the crook of your neck.

“We can stay in bed, doll. We don’t have anything to do.”

“I can’t, I asked Steve if he wanted to meet for breakfast.”

“You’re right,” he said against your skin. “You should tell him today. We don’t want him getting his hopes up.”

“Tell him what?” You turned around to face Bucky. He looked absolutely gorgeous with his messy hair and his sculpted chest.

“That you chose me.” He frowned as if the answer was obvious.

You avoided his eyes and tried to slip away from him so you could find your shoes. Deep creases lined his forehead as he gauged your expression.

“You don’t want to break up with him,” Bucky said, his mouth set in a tight grimace as realisation struck him. He let out a dry laugh and started pacing, unable to stand still.

“Explain something to me,” he said, pointing a finger at you. “What’re you doin’? You come here, you tell me you love me. We have sex and the next day you leave me to have breakfast with  _him_?”

“Bucky-”

“No,” he cut you off. “What is this? Some kind of fucking shared custody?”

You were ready to go, but Bucky was still nervously pacing in front of the door. You placed your hands on his shoulders and made him look at you.

“Can we talk about this later?”

“You  _have_  to make a choice,” he articulated slowly.

“I don’t think I can,” you whispered.

Without giving him a chance to speak again, you left. You couldn’t choose between them, you just couldn’t. You would have liked to take a quick shower, but there wasn’t time. Steve was already waiting for you.

Of course, Steve noticed you were dressed in the same clothes you had been wearing the day before. He didn’t say anything, but the look in his eyes spoke volumes.

Steve mirrored your tight smile and kissed your cheek. His lips lingered on your skin and you closed your eyes, fighting the urge to kiss him. You had missed him so much.

“I hope you’re hungry, sweetheart.”

“Starving!”

While you were with Steve, Bucky went down to the gym, trying to channel his nervous energy into something more productive.

 _Were you going to choose Steve?_  

The thought of being rejected made him physically sick. He’d rather be on his own than watch you and Steve rekindle your relationship. He wasn’t going to let that happen.

He waited until you parted ways with Steve and followed him to his room. Steve walked slowly along the corridor when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned around and came face-to-face with Bucky.

“We need to talk,” Bucky stated sternly. Steve gave him a  _‘go on’_  look. “You know she can’t choose between us.”

“I had that feeling too,” Steve replied, a pensive expression on his face.

“One of us is gonna have to back down.”

Steve let out a dry huff and crossed his arms. “You mean me.”

“I can’t lose her, Steve,” Bucky confessed, his tone pleading. “I know what happened to you wasn’t fair. But you know what? I went through worse and it didn’t give me a free pass.”

“Buck, I’m gonna fight for her, you know I will.”

“I know. And I’ll fight for her, too. I’ll fight for her even if it means I’m gonna have to fight you. I hope it won’t come to that. You helped me when no one else would, I owe you big time. And if you ever need someone to die for one of your lost causes, I’m your man, but I won’t give up on her.”

Bucky held Steve’s gaze, his face showing his determination. Steve took a deep breath before he nodded. “I understand.”

He turned his head towards the window, where he could see the statue of the Black Panther, and sighed. For a long time, he thought he had lost his best friend, but somehow, they always found each other again. This time, though, it felt like the end.

He turned back to Bucky and gave him a small nod before he left. Bucky stood in the middle of the hall, confused and miserable.

It took a month before you made your decision. Dividing your time between Bucky and Steve wasn’t fun and they certainly did not try to make things easier for you.

They dealt with each other in a passive-aggressive way and that was when they even talked. Most of the time they didn’t acknowledge each other’s presence.

You couldn’t keep living like that. Spending time with them became a chore. You didn’t feel loved anymore. You felt like a doll between two suborn kids, and as much as they loved to call you that, you were not a doll.

You had agreed to go back to Bucky’s farm while Shuri and the rest of P.R.I.D.E. investigated a lead on an attack near the border with Kenya.

Much to Bucky’s chagrin, Steve decided to join you. Bucky argued that it wasn’t big enough for the three of you, but Steve was having none of it.

They were waiting for you outside the palace. Your heart was beating fast, filling your ears with a steady thumping. You felt heat behind your eyes and concentrated on what you were going to say.

“Ready?” Bucky asked, kissing your cheek.

“I’m not coming with you,” you said, forcing the words out. You kept your head high, but you couldn’t look at him. “I’m going home. Alone.”

Bucky’s hand on your shoulder tightened in what you supposed was fear. He repeated the word ‘ _no_ ’ under his breath, a panicked look in his eyes. Pulling himself out of his thoughts, he took a step closer to you and cupped your face, gently bringing your gaze up to meet his questioning eyes.

“What the hell are you talkin’ about? Stay, stay here with me,” he pleaded, pressing his forehead against your own. “Please, doll.”

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, “I can’t.”

“I love you.”

You pulled away from him to look at Steve who was standing behind him with a distant look in his eyes. “I love you, too, but I can’t be the reason why you two are not friends anymore.”

Steve nodded slowly, his lips pressed into a thin line. You knew he wasn’t going to say anything. He had never been one to talk about his feelings, instead he bottled up them up and acted like everything was fine. It wasn’t his best trait, but you’d learned to deal with it.

Bucky, on the other hand, was still holding you. He feared rejection even though it never admitted out loud and you hated yourself for leaving him behind, but you had to put yourself first if you wanted to find peace.

“You two are acting like I’m a doll you win at the fair. I’m not just your girlfriend, I’m a real person. You both asked me to choose, well… I choose myself. When I’ll be gone, you will have all the time you need to become friends again and we can all move on.”

You waited in silence, letting them process your words. Steve gave you a small nod, seemingly understanding. Bucky buried his face in the crook of your neck and whispered the words you had said to him when he was ready to leave.

“Say you’re staying. Say you’re an idiot and you’re staying.”

You stayed quiet and breathed slowly, trying to memorise the way he smelled. You weren’t sure what it was, but he smelled like a quiet summer day. Gathering up your courage, you pulled away from him and mouthed an apology.

You looked over Bucky’s shoulder and gave Steve a regretful smile. He took a step closer and put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder

“Buck,” he said in a surprisingly gentle voice. It was the first time in weeks he spoke to Bucky without being smug or condescending. “It’s her choice, we said we’d respect it. We have to let her go.”

“Say it,” Bucky repeated, trying to hold your hand while you walked backwards toward the aircraft waiting for you. “Little doll, don’t leave me.”


	11. Not a chapter (i know i know)

As you may have noticed, I abandoned this story two years ago.

I'm sorry for those who read it and wanted to see an update, it felt like a chore and I wanted to focus on other stories. I do appreciate the comments and kudos, they all made me smile! Thank you so much for reading this story.

A year ago I thought I would finish it and *spoiler alert* I didn't, but I don't want to start something and abandon it when things get hard. So I removed most of it and I'll be re-writing it this summer. If it's not finished by september, someone _please_ yell at me. 

So here we go, 1st chapter will be reposted July 16th :) 


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